Reading the old stuff reminds me of the old times. I couldn't believe it either, but every single detail felt familiar to me. Every word in it. Maybe because it wasn't too long ago.. was it? Seems like I'm not the only one feeling the same way :( But I shall stop here, cause nothing will change and it'll only make me miss this more, friend.

I'll be flying off to hongkong in 3 hours' time.

Stop hiding the truth, I can read you like a book

I can't stop myself from reading too much into people's expression, words, gestures and actions. I wonder if it freaks people out.

-----

A stranger warmed my heart today :D He didn't do anything much besides putting on that 100 watt smile (a genuine one), and was so willing to give us extra toppings.Every single time he smiles, it just makes me so happy! & no, he's not the least bit good looking, nor am I charmed. (just telling you so you know I'm not in love or whatever)

I just like how a smile on a stranger's face can light up your day :)



Art history's really interesting too! Especially those very involved with both art and philosophy, cause their works are normally much deeper and meaningful. & they're mostly about people and human conditions. Pieces about society do not interest me much :(

Of all things, I think existentialism makes the most sense.

XUANEE'S COMING BACK FROM POLAND TODAY :D

Besides the fact that I've got many more chapters to cover for tomorrow's geog paper, today's been absolutely wonderful :)

I had some quiet time alone (again) at subway after tuition and it was quite productive until 6 plus so I stopped work. The journey home with my ipod was amazing, because I thought about alot and everything seems to make sense right now.

After ranting like crazy yesterday (and having a crazy load of conversations I almost went mad. Yes I really went mad. Then I talked till 4 and almost died, but survive thanks to coffee), I forced myself to think and hey, there are a few things I've learnt.


Well I feel like keeping them to myself today :)

HAPPY EIGHTEENTH ASHLEY LEONG! :D

3rd girl amongst us to turn 18 ^_^

(rest of the photos up on facebook!)

I didn't know my camera had such a cool function.


Then we played with the coloured filters:




half red half green!


and I covered the flash with my fingers for this! :D


(I like the candid shot of Anna and I)

4 more birthdays to go, and our 6th year together.
Time flies, huh?

Where would you wish to wake up tomorrow?

50 people, 1 question.


Honestly, I don't know. I've always been living life as it is without any direction. I've got so many places I want to go, but not a place where I'd wish to wake up tomorrow. I honestly don't know. Well... maybe..


I'd like to wake up to a place tomorrow, filled with people close to my heart, where everybody would love and be loved. The people I love will love me back, and I'll love the ones who love me.

I'd like to wake up to a place tomorrow, where I can be as free as a bubble (not in a bubble, but AS a bubble). Free to do what I want to do at the moment. I'd write, think, paint, read, sing, make music, talk to people, daydream and dance on the moon.

I'd like to Stargaze, listen to the crashing of the waves, hug when I'm happy, smell freshly baked bread, taste freshness in my mouth.

I'd like to have control of the day and night, and the length of each day. I love the night sky so, so much, and the evening sky too. If the day was a good one, I'd extend it and if it was a bad one, I'd click

"fastforward"

I'm just painting a picture of perfection from my perspective.

It isn't about waking up in any part of this world anymore, but waking up to find myself in a dream. I wish for the impossible.

I'll disappear, take flight on the wind of wishing you were here
Fading light, like a star whose life has been gone for years

Anyway, its been a really GIRLY day for me today and I can't stand myself. I got home straight after school (RARE), slept abit and:

1) painted my nails out of boredom. (this is the first time ever. most of the time I just paint at most one hand and remove all of it)

2) Noticed how bad my hair quality has become and started to whine to my mom. (but seriously, my hair used to be jet black, thicker, silkier, less dry & limp and less tangled :( I've been losing ALOT of hair lately too, I wonder what's the problem... D:)

3) Went to the malls opposite and bought two dresses for my cousin's wedding! :D One pretty grey one from promod, and a light yellow one too! I got a glittery silver-black hairband too :D

Listening to Manic street Preachers now, and they used Jenny Saville's artwork for the album cover (Journal for Plague Lovers). This piece was what caught my eye at HMV the other day and got me interested in finding out about Manic street preachers anyway.

I really love her style, and Lucian Freud's. Sadly, expressionistic paintings are not easy and I haven't tried doing something expressionistic yet. Perhaps after the A's, I'll have fun dabbling with different mediums and styles!

Back to the album. I get goosebumps when I listen to their music, alternative rock isn't supposed to be soothing in the first place. But.. the album cover, together with the story of their band mate who disappeared for 15 years leaves me slightly uncomfortable :S and after listening to all the lyrics.. the lyrics too.



Can't wait for timbre tomorrow, our still life outing after A's, picnics and outings. Anything to get away from school and school life.


Can't believe I dragged the name up again..

I have no intention of making this post a sad one, so goodbye. I've decided to ask if I've got the chance to and free myself from all the useless thoughts.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASHLEY!!!!!

feeling childish

Hi all my favourite bands are Kings of Convenience, Queen, Making April, Mcfly, Deathcabforcutie, Aerosmith and Phoenix.

There are tons of other absolutely fantastically great songs I love across all kinds of genres (Indie, Oldies, Rock, Alternative, Pop, Jazz, Band, Orchestra, Chipop, JPOP, Choral) and I mean I LOVE them, not like them. They make you feel ALIVE!

My recent discovery of The kooks and Manic Street Preachers has also left me quite impressed (: Just that I haven't had the time to have an attempt at understanding their lyrics (which are full of politics, or so I heard)


I'm random like that, and I love spending time talking to my friends :) How I wish studying involved talking to other people for hours. Issues of the heart and anything random (even population control in India, which is almost non-existent).

(I only planned to write the first three paragraphs,
but couldn't stop writing after that question appeared)

I never used the word hate back in secondary school. I was never that easily annoyed. I wasn't being myself for trying to be forgiving and well-tempered in the past. No wait, I didn't even have to TRY to be that way. I wasn't that angsty either (or was I?)

As you grow older, you'll come to realise that there isn't a clear-cut way to anything. You start to get confused about how importance should be placed on yourself or on others. You start to ponder about the correct way to treat others and yourself, because there isn't a win-win situation all the time.

You start to think about how things happen because its your fault or the other party's (or how both are at fault) (or how both might not be at fault at all, its just a misunderstanding) (or how you're just thinking too much, the other party doesn't even know anything is happening) .. the list goes on. The possibilities to everything, they drive you crazy.

But it all boils down to one question: _____________.



If you're able to get an answer, chances are that life's looking good for you. I think its about what you want in life. I want to be a person who can love and be loved. All the things we do revolve around the word doesn't it? From your family to your friends to yourself (and your interests, goals, etc.).


The question is, why then, do we hate? If we live to love, how did that feeling of hate come about? Einstein said there is darkness because of the absence of light. Do we hate due to the absence of love, or are there other answers to it?

We hate people because they put us in a situation that makes us unhappy/uncomfortable/lonely/dejected (all the negative feelings). Some hate people for no reason just because they don't like what they see. We hate things because the time could have been spent on doing something we love. We hate because that something/someone does not make us happy?


I once read that we live for happiness, but I was thinking how happiness is just a feeling and isn't one that is strong enough to be a "rule we live by". Happiness can turn into a negative feeling if we are shown another side of a situation. Its shortlived. I'm not very good at explaining and I'm frustrated because I can't express myself properly.



Do we love, and are we loved?
Should we love (a person, specifically), and should we be loved?

I realized that putting 'love' into context makes things confusing. Our love for people, things and interests (etc.) can be so mixed up. Sometimes we love a person because they love what we love, sometimes we love something because the person we love loves it, sometimes we love a person because ... we just love them?

There's also a big difference if you put the word "should" in.

then the burning questions come in:
WHO REALLY LOVES US, AND FOR WHAT? Are we worthy?
WHAT IF? What if we love one and she/he doesn't love us?


So far, the ONLY kind of unconditional love I can feel is the one my mom has for me. I didn't see it previously, but now I do. I don't think I can find anybody who'll love ME as much.

(its different from loving you for who you are, because we're constantly changing. Would the person who loves us for who we are NOW still love us if we were to change?)



When will we really know the answers? Never.

How on earth did my post turn from "hate" to "love"?
and damn, EVERYTHING ON EARTH IS INTERLINKED.

The mystery behind my emotional outbreaks has been solved, its none other than.. yeah you know what. It wasn't senseless thinking this time though, I think I had/have every right and reason to be bothered :( ... nothing much can be done anyway.

& I know I've said it many times before, but sometimes I prefer to be in that emo/thinking mode, at least life wouldn't feel so meaningless with this shallow level of thinking. The fact that I'm not pondering life bothers me.

The fact that I'm bothered by issues like feeling lonely bothers me. The fact that I'm not enjoying these moments alone bothers me.
The fact that I feel jealous when I see people who are always together bothers me. The fact that I'm bothered by all these insecurities.. but sometimes you annoy me so. I've already taken a few hundred steps back, you need me to be a million miles away?


.. yeah time to stop whining too. Nothing nice to read today.
Nothing nice to read HERE, but I've got books with me.

This has become another one of those boring ranting blogs.
Sigh. (perfect example of it) At least it serves its purpose.

Explain me one more time
When they kill it's a crime, when you kill it is justice?

This is pretty self explanatory. Did this during the math paper when I had extra time. (at least better than sleeping). Tough paper.

From "misread"! :D and it's supposed to be "the ones who spoke the truth" not "who told the truth". I'm not too good at remembering lyrics as you can see. I normally listen to the tune and the instruments and whatever.

I don't think I should be too proud of this though. Time for more maths in my life besides tuition? :/

Reminds me of this shit I drew for 2008 Amaths midyears (kaikai and I used to exchange notes after the paper). I got tuition after that. OH AND I HAD AMATHS MIDYEARS ON MY BIRTHDAY THAT YEAR.

I kind of miss my old tutor now :/ Well since we're in jc now I better work on it on my own too. D: Abit too late again, but yeah.



Met up with linette after school! I was in the I-need-a-music-store mood so we went to HMV.. I almost wanted to do the pick-up-a-disc-from-a-random-artist-you-don't-know-and-buy-it thing but I saw the latest Kings of Convenience disc and decided to get it instead.

We've also decided that we wouldn't mind designing album art in the future. Pretty good deal don't you think?!


.. then I saw illustration books by Edward Monkton (its on nad's pencilcase and I wanted to know what'll be inside since it was wrapped up) .. and they were selling books at 2 for $30 so I got the two below too after much deliberation.

The title is kind of cheesy..yes. I wanted to get one with a picture of a sun on the cover initially, but I got attracted to the line "Neither knew its TRUE SELF until they found each other" so LOVE it was.

The grammar book isn't all about grammar, really. and I got it because... I honestly want to improve. Frankly speaking, I NEVER gave a shit about grammar because the correct form/word will just come to you naturally. (and most people too, I suppose) The problem is, that feeling might not always be right so I thought its about time I read up on the most basic rules of the English language.

The line "Can you tell when a sentence contains more cliches than you've had hot dinners, or if it's tautological and pointlessly repetitive" caught my eye, and the texture of the book cover too.
ITS LIKE CANVAS! :D

So that's sixty bucks gone in half an hour or something. Never bring me to cd/bookstores when I've got the cash....



Next up, subway to study! I made an extremely bad studying partner today cause I was too excited about my purchases, sorry nette!

act nerd.

:D HAPPY WITH MY NEW CD!

I was supposed to look like I'm gonna autograph it.

So we walked around Marina square after that (lucky I ran out of cash), tried on some clothes at topshop, looked at pretty prom dresses, sprayed perfume in my wallet, admired accessories, had an icecream cone and did not have our old chang kee craving satisfied :(

Off to study geog and have an early rest! :)

THIS FEELS LIKE THE END OF MIDYEARS. (although its only the first day) I'm finally getting rest after a whole day of work.

Caffeine does wonders because this is my first time not falling asleep during a geog paper. (of course the time I wasted not studying last night meant I was unsure about some parts) Econs..

Ebe and I had tuition today and the tutor kept GL-ing us. Its either that or he treats us like two idiots and kept explaining stuff we knew.

Lunch at koba today with nette and yx! and some kind of a feast of chips, salsa, cream cheese, cheese and applecrumble from nad. FOOD (L)

My actions tell me I've already given up, because I don't have the drive to study or cram in any facts even though I've got so many topics left uncovered. Then I'm forcing myself to stay awake, this feels just like the O'levels.

I keep telling myself the A's wouldn't be like the O's.
The fact is, it might just be.

I remember a phrase my maths teacher told me, "old habits die hard". I told him I'd try my best not to let that happen. It did.



I sincerely believe all lazy people have their reasons for being lazy, like how all nasty have their reasons too.

I'm just too ill-disciplined. I let my mind think whatever it likes, I do whatever I like too. When something happens, I'll sit there all day and think about it. Then I'll think about the past, the present, the future.

Come up with stuff I'd like to say to people, plan my holidays, remind myself to meet up with some people, day dream about how life will be like if things turned out the way I wanted, burning questions, think about how it'd be nice if I got to say what I wanted to a few (nasty or nice). It never ends.


I'm studying even though I look like I am. What bullshit.

Xuanee's in poland now! (I KNOW YOU WON'T BE READING THIS UNTIL YOU GET BACK BUT YOU HAVE THE WONDERFUL NOTE ANYWAY :D All the best and have fun there!)

If you want to prove something that is,
would proving something that is not good enough?

This reality is strange, and if you think about it, I played a part in the occurrence of this event. Mostly it was because I didn't have a choice when other people did something, but I could have cut myself off from all those emotions, kept my mouth shut and my heart cold.

I shouldn't reveal my emotions and feelings so easily. (tough though)

This leaves me no choice but to completely forget even though I was still thinking a morning ago. On the other side, which left me feeling like a mere object occupying that space in time and now a memory being erased, I have no idea. It feels like I'm back on square one.

What is reality? The state of things as they actually exist?

Doesn't reality hold fragments of the past too? Does accepting reality simply means forgetting everything that happened and living life as it is? Isn't life as it is actually affected by what has happened months, weeks ago, yesterday, or a few minutes ago?

Or maybe "accepting reality" is just an advice to get us to move on with life. The questions of certainty leaves us more uncertain.

The same old someone that I knew

Just the way you are sax solo


Billy Joel - Just the way you are


I heard this song on the way home today.

I'm not thinking fine. Not at all.

right. Anything supposed to go right?!



I want black post-its.

Off to somewhere safer

It isn't really safe here. I just had my first math tuition at ebe's with alif and the teacher was quite impatient.

You're killing me, you know? Totally killing me.

You know, I feel like nothing. Like a piece of memory that can be erased that easily. Not even a memory, like I'm just a person living at that fragment of time. Now poof, all gone and nothing to remember it by.

You know, I don't know how it turned from all things good to something bad just within a week or so, its so drastic.

You know, I can't really take it. I miss those days, really.

You know, I thought of telling but I know I shouldn't. I'm afraid that It'd exacerbate the situation and that we won't speak.

You know, I thought of asking but I know there wouldn't be an answer.

You know, I so badly want an answer. Why? All of a sudden?

You know, I don't know if I'm thinking too much, but the occurrence of such events really make me wonder what you're thinking.

You know, I want to ask what's wrong out of pure concern as a friend but I'm afraid you might think otherwise. What's wrong?

You know, it pricks my heart when I'm being removed and other people enter that space with you looking so happy and contented.

You know, it seems as though you did it out of spite. Seems.



You know, I'm not going to show it so I just hope nobody knows what I'm talking about.

I didn't show it today either, I was trying my best to pretend no shit happened and I wonder if you were. Or did it concern me in the first place? Because its so strange we're not talking yet in school it was fine. But I know the smile on my face wasn't real, cause I felt tired after awhile. I was just trying to act happy so it would seem as though it didn't matter to me at all.

I guess I'm jealous too. That I lost my circle of friends and I'm always mostly alone now. Seeing others so happy.. sigh.

& that smile on the face in the morning's always not genuine, I could tell.

Why did you ignore, why remove it, why are you not talking, why are you not initiating? When you did all those in the past.


Should I be independent or plain ignorant?

Quispiam Novus
a start of something new,
(its a comma cause something new can't have an end to it yet)

BLASTING EXTREME MAKEOVER NOW. (BAND PIECE BY JOHAN DE MEIJ. MAYBE I'LL START BLASTING CHORAL MUSIC SOON)

NOTHING CAN BE BETTER THAN THIS. SPENT 40 MINUTES DOING NOTHING BUT LISTENING TO EVERY SINGLE DETAIL OF THE SONG. I'VE LISTENED TO 5:14 TO 9:36 MORE THAN A HUNDRED TIMES I BET.

I WILL AND MUST IMPROVE AND PLAY WITH A BAND/ORCHESTRA.


TYPING IN CAPS AND IN SIMPLE SENTENCES GIVES THE ILLUSION THAT SOMEONE IS EXTREMELY HAPPY.

Just saying.
Well actually maybe I'm fine, haha. fools.

:D

Had a really productive time studying alone. I enjoyed every single minute of being alone today, funny how I was feeling the exact opposite yesterday. Or maybe cause I was texting Annia and Sarah too. Annia and I were having texts 6 messages long, which kind of trains your memory :) Miss talking to her so much!

Now that I've found a convenient way to get to city hall from school, I might take that more often. The school gives me the creeps sometimes.

If somebody told me I could do KI and if my school offered the subject, I might've taken it. Yeah, IF somebody told me I can do it well. Why are we always restricted by what we think we cannot do or what others think we can't do? Because we're (I'm) afraid we (I) can't do well in what we love, and that's the most terrible feeling ever.

So I was reading sample essays and found myself highlighting statements and writing stuff at the columns. I don't don't know WHY I like reading them so much, but I do. If only I could take it as a leisure subject. Then I would've taken literature and history too.



Wanted to share a few points initially but I'm a little too tired from the lack of sleep.

Slept at 2 the two nights before, an hour last night (survived on coffee and was on coffee high for the next 14 hours before I almost dropped dead on the bus). Then I had my next dose of caffeine from the tea before I studied.

& now my brain is dead again. OHYES I'VE HANDED IN MY PREPBOARDS I CAN FINALLY HEAVE A SIGH OF RELIEF.

My coursework is not being stretched to its full potential. How can I present "perspectives" in a more impactful way? One that can speak to the audience, help them relate the work to their lives, remind them of how important it is in our lives?

A change of perspectives can change EVERYTHING in your life, even if the situation remains the same. I'm sure we all understand that.

I feel ashamed. I could have worked on my prep board much earlier and thought of a much better way to present the idea. What if my final work turns out to be just another piece of aesthetically pleasing (hopefully) work? How else can I do it without the use of words?

(btw I love painting esp. when I can concentrate. THE CLOUDS IN OIL PAINT ARE FINALLY DONE! :D)



One thing I've learnt about myself through all these questions (that miraculously pop up) is that I'm actually becoming increasingly honest about myself. My flaws and feelings. Everything. I'm glad I'm developing a courage to face up to my mistakes because they help one realise even more about themselves.

Something I posted 10 days ago, but how true :]

How often are people who enjoy being alone lonely?

Firstly, I'm sorry I haven't been replying to SMSes today. I was so bothered about the prep board and all the stuff I gotta do that I only had the mind to read them. When my mind's in this state, it usually means I'll have a stony face and it'll drift off to the "think too much" compartment once in a while.

Its (not was) a lonely day too :( The title creeped into my head on my way home as I was physically alone and mentally alone. Its just strange that I feel so happy being alone sometimes but not at other times. It also reminded me of how some people seem to enjoy being alone so much, but do they always?

I really, really can't get some things off my mind though I'm trying hard not to. I bloody can't. I can't get it out of my head abcdefg.



All thanks to a wonderful sharing about Ebe's life by none other than ebe himself, I've come to a conclusion that males are quite impossible to understand. Not like there's even a "model" to start with. Sarah, Syai and I had some kind of a girly "sharing" before miss kwa came in.

Bloody shit I feel so anal today, Syairah thought I was gonna scold her when she accidentally painted my shirt. Didn't even want to talk to the bookshop uncle today. Its generally a really sad day and I don't think tomorrow will be better.

I even forgot it was my mom's birthday today, can't believe myself. Heck, I've still got a few messages to reply to.
I want to go to back to that place.

So tired I can fall asleep right now, Linette and I had an adventure till 10 plus in school today :D We ran in the rain barefooted too! Art has been really, really tiring but the people in there makes life so awesome. The first two weeks of june hols would be spent entirely in school for us cause we've got lessons in the morning and art from afternoon till night.

My life revolves around art, art, art, and more art but I'm enjoying it somehow. Its rather accomplishing to see my skills improve since my very first drawing in j1. Maybe I wouldn't mind a career revolving around art afterall.


I wrote a list of people who still matter to me and there are a few whom I don't talk to yet I still feel closer to them than anybody else.



Chicago - You're the inspiration

Heard this on the way home. Brings back memories!

of love and friendship

They say you run away to see who will chase after you, but sometimes it also helps to do the chasing instead and see who doesn't run away from you.

The former tells you who misses you and the latter tells you who doesn't appreciate you and who does. Sometimes, we just want to know.


It might not be a deciding factor as to whether or not that person should be our friend. I never believed in the phrase "she's not worth your time", its more of "you'll have to move on", because the word "worth" is far too strong. What right do we have to say we deserve the love, anyway?




I told my friend that "what's most important is the time spent together, not the time not spent together" and he in turn said something about how our most important job is just to make the ones we love happy, and not so much of how we are the reason they're happy. Just as long as they're happy, eh?

Since its mother's day, should we all remember how much our mothers love us? Do we even half the appreciation we should? I guess we all just want those we love to love us as much as we do, but does it matter THAT much as long as we know there are other people on earth who has that same amount of love for us?

Love's never fair in that sense, and it never will be. What is fair is that we'll eventually get the same amount of love between ALL our friends and family, not so much of sharing it between each INDIVIDUAL relationship.


All these things about relationships reminds me of what my mom told me, "every relationship should be a 'H' not an 'A'." (I believe peixuan has heard this before :]) Taking the two vertical strokes from each letter as an individual and the horizontal stroke as the link, we shouldn't be so dependent on each other such that we'll clash like the "A". A healthy relationship is one where we can live independently and cross each others' paths whenever needed.

& we shouldn't remember all the bad things in a friendship cause friends drift apart and get close to each other at different times. Sometimes the other party just needs a little breather if they feel we're holding on too tightly.


Don't worry, we'll know in time to come.

I remember how I've lost friends.
I remember how I thought I've lost friends but they came back to me in the end.
We should just be happy with what we have at the moment :]




There will always be somebody who loves us more than we love them, and that's all we have to know.

So lets just share the joy and not be afraid of loving others with all our hearts. It wouldn't hurt to love if we know it in its purest form.

"To you, my dear friend. If one day you feel like crying, call me. I can't promise that I will make you laugh. But I can cry with you.

If one day you want to runaway, don't be afraid to call me. I promise I won't ask you to stop but I can run with you.

If one day you don't want to listen to anyone, call me. I promise to be there for you but also promise to remain quiet.

But one day if you call and there is no answer, come fast to see me. Perhaps I need you."



I sent random sms-es to a few of my friends this afternoon just cause I miss them. Guess what, I got a few back from those whom I didn't send messages to (even though I felt like it but didn't). Receiving random messages like these put a smile on my face so I thought I'd do the same to a few friends (just because you didn't receive it doesn't mean you're not my friend!)

.. but I wonder what it actually means when one doesn't reply. I'm guilty of replying Riane's messages one day late too even though I do miss her alot. But sometimes it could also mean the person doesn't really care much. Well, why care so much when we've already done our part, the rest is up to the other party so I'm fine with anything.



Besides, I'm glad I got the one above though its a chain.


I told my friend that I wanted to sms her but didn't in the end, and she said "next time just feel free to send, even a smiley also can!"

I know, I'm just afraid of the response (or the lack of it) sometimes.

I miss those days where we were each others' best friends.

I still feel so happy whenever I see you but it saddens me to know what we don't have time for each other anymore. Maybe its just me, but I wouldn't feel as close to a person when we don't have heart-to-heart talks. I always wonder if you think about me but that's only cause I think about you too. Its nice how we can talk about almost anything when we meet up, but we don't have the time anymore. I must have distanced myself away from everyone the moment I stepped into my Junior College and you into yours. I felt kind of happy for you during yesterday's concert; you're achieving so much and doing all you can for your future, meeting new people in life and doing what you love while managing your studies well too. Sometimes I feel I'm not good enough to be your friend but I know you wouldn't mind, and I know you wouldn't look down on me just because I'm in a lousy JC or I can't study or whatever. I'm sorry I reply to your texts late, I always do. But you know, you're such a nice person to be with so you've got so many other people to talk to you and I guess I'm not one of those who can cheer you up. Maybe we should meet up one day, just the two of us. I don't like hanging out in big groups, there isn't anything called private conversations and I tend to be all weird and lost in my own world in a big group. Especially with all of you. Its ironic how you're the ones I miss yet when I'm with you guys, I don't talk much. I don't know why either. I think I really feel different from all of you. To a certain extent, insignificant. The truth is, I never had another best friend after you though I've got a few close friends. So it goes back to how you're a nice person to be with. Maybe I just don't have the confidence but... argh. Do I make any sense here? Anyway, I'm looking forward to meeting up with you again. If we get the chance to.

I wonder if you still read this?

people marching to the drums everybody's having fun
to the sound of love

VJC dance concert yesterday was fantastic :)

I'm really glad I went (which served as a breather) to support Annia. Finally a chance to meet up with her and the rest! According to them, I'm always "busy with God knows what". Even supper together felt like such a rare moment.

Watching concerts = money well spent. It was well pieced together and I don't think anybody on earth would hate watching dance routines! (as opposed to band or choir concerts which many people find boring. Not me, of course.)

Sometimes it makes me wonder just what I'm doing on earth right now. These people out there are making full use of their time doing fulfilling things while I'm achieving nothing (besides spending time on art, of course). Life was busy with choir in secondary school, but I had a great experience. Its about time management and I know I'm just not one to be able to make good use of time if I've got alot of time in my hands.

After my A's, I'm going to sign up for whatever things possible (that interests me, of course). My piano teacher mentioned some new piano-teaching method and they're getting people to join. Hope it wouldn't be too late after my A's!




I really hate the fact that I always wait for others to speak even though I really want to have a conversation with them. Its the "see who's thinking about you" thing pushed too far. I hate it even more when people around me tell me to speak first, for once, yet I still don't want to.

The last time I clicked on any name on msn was... well there was just one occasion two weeks ago and I felt I really needed to speak that time (it started on a really random note and ended off with me going off to bathe)

At least I randomly sms a few friends sometimes...

I doubt my own presence sometimes, but it isn't that scary until people come up to you and say "Are you really emma? No you're not emma!". They were joking of course, but I was thinking.. what if it was? We'll never really know if we're real do we? You can choose not to believe others, but do you have enough proof to believe your own existence? We might just be living in our own world of imagination, thinking we exist but actually don't.

Anyway, just because my hairband and scrunchie don't match doesn't mean I'm not Emma! My classmates are so hilarious sometimes.


I also think I'm a total glutton in others' eyes because my art teacher came in excitedly while I was painting to say "Emma! Quick get the food from LT4 there's a buffet! Before its all gone, quick!" She always tells me if there's food... and how I can actually take the entire tray since I'm "always hungry". She can actually be quite cute, haha.



So there's only a week left to MYEs and my revision... ...

...forget about it, I can't even name what I've revised. I just hope my prepboards would be ready for submission by next tuesday. Drawing's seriously fun when you know what to draw and sharpening coloured pencils is therapeutic. Mhmm I did that till 2 am last night.

My art teacher wrote me a note :D
I forgot about the collection of donation cards today :X

My class kept disturbing me like, throughout the day -.-
I got high in the afternoon thanks to... there wasn't a reason o_O

My post-it pad wouldn't miss that missing page :)
I walked with mellybabe during PE today.

My phone got itself 4 (large) new cracks on the lcd screen :(
I really mean LARGE cracks. D:

My classmate said I look more lady-like with a scrunchie! :P
I think the problem of me sleeping during exams is psychological. :/


Alright, going to use some colourpencils for my cuppa ice.
Boring entry, I know. Feels like a friday right now.

When you're down and lost, and you need a helping hand
when you're down and lost along the way,
try a little harder, try your best to make it through the day,
oh just tell yourself I'llllll be okayyyyyyy. :D


I'm glad we talked too. Started very small, but still a convo :)

.. and then you realise you're all alone

Still, I like these long busrides alone even if I've got not too much to think about on a particular day (when you're too tired of life, thinking isn't of much help). I normally move to the back of the bus but I thought the front seat would be pretty relaxing too.

You don't see so many empty seats near you or around you.

So I put "ballad of paul K" (mcfly) on repeat and watched the streetlights and the people at the back of the bus (through the glass) The reflections on the glass were too irresistable, so I took a few shots :)

I don't enjoy being alone all the time though. After the Huff! musical (put up by srjc chorale and leads kenneth, haojing, syed and victoria. Good job guys must've been an experience!), I intended to talk to some of them but after awhile, I realised I was all alone.

I don't know, its not as though I had nobody to talk to but it was that same feeling all over again - having many to say hi to but not one to be by your side all the time. I didn't want to be extra and be with somebody I'm not too close to at that time, and standing in front of all the peformers taking photos made me feel like an idiot.

"have you ever been alone in a crowded room" felt so real all of a sudden. In the end, I walked to the library and did a little art.


The walk to the bus stop was a quiet one, the walk out of the library was a quiet one, the walk alone to the next bus stop was a quiet one. Somehow it didn't feel so quiet when I was alone, but when you're with somebody and don't have much to say, the silence kills.


Knowing the person's not a stranger yet you've got nothing to say. So we always end up saying "sorry, I'm really tired" as an excuse.

I've done that far too many times.




I miss last year all of a sudden. Preparing for promos at the benches outside LT5 or at the cafe. I miss it because at that moment, it felt like things would remain like that forever. I thought I'd be there till the end of the A's. Well, I'm not there anymore, am I?

Its been a really bad day. They call it disappointment.

First, it was the paper. I previously typed a whole chunk out, guess I'll put it somewhere safer instead.


On top of all that, I said the vulgar word twice today. I really didn't mean to, they just slipped off my tongue and I got so disappointed with myself because I promised myself I wouldn't. I wasn't being myself at all, I let my emotions get the better of me and didn't care the heck about staying calm and composed.

At night, I also got disappointed and I'm not ever going to wait. Never. People never notice, people make empty promises, when people say things when they're busy they don't mean it. At least I managed to do some work after putting the desk right next to the door in the art room.

On my way home, my mind was blank and I just sat at the bus stop listening to the sounds of the cars zooming past me.



I don't even bother checking my phone now.

Happy labourday holiday!

(not much of a holiday though)

Just a few photos taken after our studying session :)

The olomouc one's still the nicest so we won't change our dp yet. Its been soooooo long since we met, glad we still talk to each other (almost) everyday through sms/msn/this blog. Surprisingly we've got more stuff to talk to each other now that we've graduated from AHS.

We decided to prank sms Riane (royal queen) Goh , who called us "stalkers" back in her usual whiny tone: "who are youuuu I don't know who you areee!". (I miss that silly girl so much too!)

Studying was pretty productive when we were concentrating, though I had to rely on subway cookies/shan1zha1 to stay awake. Subway way to go! Of course the one at Marina Square's still the best but the (corner seat) at Tampines 1 ain't bad either :D


Meet my sweetest junior ever, her name's Goh Peixuan (or affectionately called xuanee/(R) meester meesoto molly peixuan)

(btw school wasn't that nice in the morning but thank goodness Jasmine tee was there to churn out more ideas with me. Its not like I'm lazy, really. I'm just really stuck, and its not difficult to understand why.)

Don't ask me why I decided to bold the names today.

HI PEIXUAN I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL GET TO SEE YOU TOMORROW BUT WE'RE GONNA GET OUR BAGS AFTER MYEs! :D (hopefully) I've been dreaming about decorating a plain backpack lately.

(the colourful pegs kind of remind me of you haha!)

So I was reading about Duran Duran and some part of me knew a certain song had them in their lyrics. Then I thought about it (real hard) and finally googled for 1985's lyrics, ctrl + f-ed the word "duran" and it was just there!

Sorry, it felt like one of those EUREKA! moments I had to write it down. Its like searching for a needle out of a haystack (a word out of the million song lyrics). yay.



Bowling for soup - 1985


Here's another song I've been hooked onto:


The format - She doesn't get it


.. a pretty emotional (piano) piece I put on repeat on the way home two days ago.

understanding ourselves, or others?

We always ask about EQ, but do we know what it really is? How do we measure it and to what extent is it about understanding ourselves or knowing how to react to situations with others? When people fall out, they say they have low EQ but is it necessarily true?

They say you have to start to have a strong bond with your inner self, but surely its not all about ourselves right? How can we define such things like emotions and how well we can understand it when they differ from person to person?

I'm really interested to know how high my EQ is, and how they can break it down. Since I'm a little hard pressed for time I shan't blog about it, but googling some of it might be quite interesting :)



During dinner, I told my mom some things about my friends (I usually don't) and how I'm pretty worried from my A's and asked her what my dad and her used to talk about. After that, I came to a conclusion that (there might be more):

We have friends who don't talk to us for weeks/months/years but when we meet up, there'll be loads to say.
We have friends who drift away from us if we don't talk even though we used to.

We have friends whom we talk to everyday and have lots to say to (so we grow closer).

We have friends whom we talk to everyday but they're conversations on surface level so we aren't close.
We have friends whom we talk to everyday but even though the conversations don't hold much, we still feel close to each other.

We have friends we don't talk much to but we still feel close, anyway.

We have friends whom we wave to everyday but that's all there is to it.



Why then, should I think so much about others not talking to me when I jolly well know we'll have loads to say when we're not busy anyway? It wasn't like that before, so am I just comforting myself? The truth is so glaringly obvious yet I can't help it.

For the first time ever, I feel like I'm not the one in control. Its not as bad as it sounds, its just that I unknowingly choose who to talk more to and who not to, and I wonder how people might feel about it.

The thing is, we're all in control of our lives, then why was I able to do that all these years until today? Because I don't dare to in case the other party's able to read through me? Since when did I not want them to? Or I want to, just that I know that I can't?

Listening to band pieces make me... I don't know how to put it, its not to the extent of crying but I'll really miss playing with the band alot. Our band isn't a very good one, we didn't have any significant performances, nor did we achieve anything great, but we still played music.

To audiences, music is only music if it moves the heart but to the player (to me, at least), its the the joy of playing a song with so many other instruments, listening to the blend or how different sections get to play significant parts at different portions of the songs (not forgetting the dynamics).

When will I ever get the chance to play with an entire band again? Yes, I can continue learning the flute but it'll be so different.

Actually, I'm really glad I picked up the flute on my own in a year and 2 months. I'm (rather) satisfied with the progress I've made on my own. (though I could've practised more by actually playing when I get home). I've got people around me to thank for telling me where I stand, and I guess its because of the slight advantage of having a musical background, and most importantly my passion for it. To the other "non-bandbackground" members (if you're reading), hurray us!




Hymn to the infinite sky (beautiful song)


Overture no. 1 for windband (SYF 2009 set piece)


Fantasy on a Japanese Folk song.

The very first song which made me fall in love :)
Before that it was classical music all the way



My greatest wish is to play with a band someday. (after I can play the flute much better, of course). Its like falling in love but never falling out of it. It sounds exaggerated but I feel the strong urge to play while listening to band pieces. The passion will never die (not forgetting about my piano too) :D

Taking it too far, and reluctant to

I can't read minds. I don't know if its just that part of me that sees everything negatively, but I could sense a reluctance to speak. It was backed by something comforting at the end, yes. Supported by something nice some time back. But hey, we live in the present and everything is about NOW. Am I thinking too much or was it obvious enough?

Or should I only question myself and put myself in others' shoes? Am I asking for too much, especially with my not-so-coherent flow of thoughts? Why do I ask for so much in the first place, when all I was looking for was a person to echo my thoughts? Not so much of answers? I felt so weird and almost asked for it to stop. I felt I was being annoying and I wonder if I was.

Am I being unreasonable for expecting when the truth is that it isn't really early and that other people, unlike me, have a goal? Was I being unreasonable when I felt annoyed about not having instant (no, just quick) replies before? Is it unreasonable for me to not be able to understand how I'm probably only 100th on the list when it didn't feel like that before?


I'm honestly asking, and not accusing. Like I've said, the only way to go about things is to first find fault with yourself. If you really can't, then find another way out.

Why do I bother? Give me some time, I'll stop. Promise.

Everytime I read, I feel a pang of regret.

Because I thought I was moving forward, but wasn't. Because I could have, but didn't. Instead, I fell backwards and they never became better. Let your feelings and expressions get the better of you and that's what you'll get. A pit.

Stuck in between. I wish I fell hard so I could climb back up. The thing is, I'm just stuck in mid-air so there's nothing I can do. Suffocating.

Now I'll learn to talk less so I'll hope less.

Run alittle further to see who would chase after you

I'm beginning to wonder what my real interests really are. I find myself extremely amazed by how people behave and questions about knowledge etc. Sarah I really want to talk about them some more! The kinds of art I'm interested in are conceptual, I knew that ever since Marc Quinn became my favourite artist. Just that I have problems putting them in verbal forms.

I guess they're also driven by my feelings now. I've been feeling quite down yesterday afternoon. This sentence came to me in the morning and struck me real hard, "Is who I am to you like how you are to me? Is how they are to me like how I am to them?". Its scary because they will NEVER tell you straight in the face, and you'll never know when a friendship is mutual or not.


One thing I've learnt about myself through all these questions (that miraculously pop up) is that I'm actually becoming increasingly honest about myself. My flaws and feelings. Everything. I'm glad I'm developing a courage to face up to my mistakes because they help one realise even more about themselves.


& though I can't believe I seriously managed to have a phone conversation (close to 2 hours) for so long last night, I was thinking about that burning question of mine throughout. When it isn't mutual, is it still called friendship? I felt like the evil one then.

On other days, I feel like the one who treasures it more than the other party. Its also like how our parents will ALWAYS love us more than we love them. Its a sad world, isn't it?


The thing is, we only want to know if the friendship is mutual when WE are the ones who treasure it more than the other party.If they treasure us more than we treasure them why would we care to know so much about these mutual things right? We're selfish like that, yes.

I guess a right way to determine who is important to you is to ask ourselves how badly do we want that frienship to be a mutual one.

There is literally a war to control our inner reality

The gp lessons never fail to inspire us. They were never about the topics (that's why I never really liked the way they taught in school). Today's lessons about perspectives and choices (its impossible to summarize them , really) echoed my thoughts.

Never knew all those confusing thoughts in me (part of them) could be found in GP too, for a moment I felt quite relieved that somebody was there to link up all of them together. Even things about the truth and reality. Its as though I've answered many of these pockets of questions but they just didn't seem to link together, now they do. A little more, at least.

Part of me feels glad many people think that way, another part of me feels uneasy because something special to me isn't that special afterall. I just hope I'm good enough for what I love.

The individual is the beginning of all things. Always thought selfishness played a great role in it but it is about how we see things differently. Frankly speaking, I still dont' fully understand this so I'm going to ponder about it some more.


Since I'm feeling motivated to do well in order to enter the courses I want to... I shall be going off soon! First econs tuiton with kaiying in the morning :) THANKS KAIYING'S MOM FOR THE SANDWICHES!

Still feeling full from the Manhattan Fish Market meal with Haojing Kwokmeang Gordon and Youjin (SOT-SR peeps! Actually, we've discovered a few more). All the IronMan2 tickets were sold out so I went back early.